Teenagers Can't See Your Point of View - Can you fix that?

New Scientist is full of fun stuff this week. There is an article today about how teens and their inability to see another person's point of view.

This is called Theory of Mind. Wikipedia says: Theory of mind is the ability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, pretending, knowledge, etc.—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires and intentions that are different from one's own.

According to the article, Theory of Mind gets better as we grow older and that's good news! But you need to really work hard to deal with teens to overcome this.

The article has more bad news saying, "adolescents show strong egocentric behaviour that is very similar to that of young children..." I sort of translate into 15 years old with terrible two's syndrome.

What might this all mean? How could we use this? I suspect that you cannot impose your will or give examples. You could lead and see if they follow. My guess however is that you really need to ask a lot of questions and use their directed opinions to whittle down the possibilities.

You: "What is cool/rocken/all-that/phat/spiffy/mayonnaise to you?"
Teen: "I think X is spastic!"
You: "Why is X... well, spastic?"
Teen: "Because it's what Slink Borders all wear."
You: "So what are Slink Borders?"
Teen: "They are ..."

Eventually you get to some sort of understanding. You figure out what Slink Borders are and what they do, say, believe, and consume. You see how close the teen is to these and you have a better understanding of their point of view and motivations. Pick a subject and work your way around it.

Teaching Theory of Mind is a bit different. Sadly I have found few good references because a lot of this is aimed at Autism and not teenagers. I did find this paper, but it is long and scholarly and I must be off to work. Read it at your leisure.

One more thing to add. People can loose their Theory of Mind over time or may have functional Asperberger's syndrome. In either case we have high functioning adults that seem like angry assholes. They can't understand why the world is so stupid. I have and currently know many of these people. One was officially diagnosed with Asperberger's when he was about 40 years old. He was like a 185 I.Q. train wreck.

Others I know with impaired Theory of Mind are less problematic, but I must say they are really bad. Lots of yelling. World against them. It is worse as stress gets higher. They just fail to see the implications of their actions and anger. Think of the sales mistakes.... The overselling. Not listening. Jumping before understanding a key word.

I am going to be reading a lot more on Theory of Mind and training/confronting those impaired. It seems like a very skill to be good at. My goal would be to learn to do this without the other person noticing. Nobody likes the implication that their thought process in wrong. That is why a lot of stuff bounces off teenagers.

I will caution. There are also Narcissists out there. They could really be Asperberger's, but they are far nastier. Very often they will say they are everyone's friend but they exude evil from every pore. These folks can't be changed. Don't bother. Get far far away.

The common misconception is that Narcissists are egotists. Truth is that Narcissists feel out of control a lot of the time and gain that control by manipulating others to feel out of control. In other words, they are in their element when you are a complete and total failure and pulling your hair out.

Almost forgot. What is your opinion? Words of wisdom? War stories? Stand up, take a break and start writing!